09 July 2008

Non illegitimi carborundum

I know I haven't blogged in forever. Sorry about that, blogosphere. I've had a whole lot going on in my world and I've really just been exhausted. I have so much that I want to say. Right now though, I want to mention an really kind letter I recently got from my dad.

Lately I've been dealing with reevaluating my life. (Naturally! I mean, I'm having a baby for crying out loud! And I'm getting closer and closer to the big 3-0...) My home life is completely everything I've always hoped for. I have the most incredible husband in the world and a tiny Tim on the way. I've gotten to travel and see lots of amazing things. I have two hilarious fat cats. My family and friends are fantastic and supportive. These are all great things.

Where I'm having issues is in my professional life and finding out where and what to let go of. It's so discouraging when you are always giving A+ work and getting constant abuse from people who don't even recognize what you do. That is so hard to take on a day-to-day basis. (And it isn't the users of the library! It is those few elite who sit on perches in back offices.) It is so frustrating to be treated like someone who is just a dime a dozen. And my problem is that I don't "sell myself" well. I don't feel like I should have to constantly give a song and dance to the powers that be. If they don't know how good I am by seeing for themselves, why should I have to point my attributes out? I've just been really discouraged lately because I've let those certain few dictate how I should feel about myself. I'm a perfectionist and it really bothers me when anyone thinks that I am not giving it my all. But in reality, I know who I'm doing the work I do for. I do it for the kids who come into the library! It's just been hard lately, dealing with back-office politics.

Anyway, my dad sent me this really well written note that spoke of some of his professional disappointments and how he has dealt with his grief. It made me cry to recognize how similar in nature our feelings are. He was really able to put a label on that sense of betrayal we've both felt and he had some very powerful things to say to combat this grief. One of the things he said was that he chooses to let each day stand by itself. "You do what you can and let the rest go." How much wisdom is there in that statement?!? Oh, if only I could learn to do that!

And he is right, you know. First of all, I can only do what I can. I have to let the rest go. And secondly, I need to reevaluate what is important to me. Is the opinion of these folks something that I care deeply about? (Especially considering that they are clueless?) Of course not. What is it that I value? What is it that matters in the long run?

I tell ya one thing, I can't wait for my maternity leave!!! For more reasons than just being with my little guy! Thanks Pops for your words of wisdom!


Christie said...

your Dad is great guy, kudos Mr. Bennetch! - hang in there Suzy Q, the end is in sight! :)

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